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I tried to make eye contact again, and she grunted "NO! I told her she'd probably get to ride Peanut, the pony she rode the first time. I held her. We cried together. Eventually, she calmed down. We went out to the barn, not sure how she would handle it. I second guessed my decision to tell her, wondering if a lie would have been so bad after all.

We got there. She saw Peanut. She told her therapist, "I ride Peanut. No ride Rambler. Rambler dead. I might have cried a little. But that wasn't the moment that will be forever embedded in my soul. After her session, I said, "See Zoe. It's sad that Rambler is dead, but it's okay because you got to ride Peanut. That was fun, right? As soon as the words left my mouth, I regretted them. I hate when people try to wrap hard things in pretty packages instead of being willing to dwell in the discomfort, but that's exactly what I was trying to do.


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I winced at my own hypocrisy. It sad Rambler dead. I like Peanut. But it not okay Rambler dead.


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  4. Rambler my friend. Peanut my friend but Rambler my friend.

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    And Rambler dead. I was planning to write a post today about our friend Eli. I was going to ask you to pray for him. I was going to tell you all of his bone marrow transplant on April 17, of the rare immune condition that required it, and of the complications with his kidneys and lungs since then. I was going to tell you he turned four around the same time our Patu did. In my planned post, I wasn't going to be telling you that he won't be turning 5 next year along with her. In my planned post, I wasn't going to be telling you our prayers for healing weren't answered with a yes on earth but rather a yes in heaven.

    In my planned post, I wasn't going to be sharing that Eli's fight and pain and complications ended shortly before midnight last night. As we've grieved the loss of our referral of Zoe's brother and rejoiced for the sweet couple who will be bringing him home , I've coped by praying for others. That's how I process my own struggles, by asking God to help others in theirs. I'm not sure why, but it works for me. I think it's something about getting my mind off myself, focusing back on God, and loving others through prayer. That combination soothes my heart.

    Eli's mom Lisa and I have met up for dinner and coffee a couple times in the past week or so, as she's been up here from Florida with Eli hospitalized at Duke. We met in our teens, and we've been friends for longer than I've known Lee. I believe she was the one who coined the nickname Shannon Anna Dingle Heimer Schmidt when I started dating the guy I told her might be "the one.

    We've kept up our friendship via email and then social media and even occasional visits. During one of Eli's first visits to Duke, he and Lisa and Lisa's mom joined our family for pizza and soda and chaos I was dreaming and hoping and longing for the day when his transplanted immune system was strong enough for him to sit with us at our table once again.

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    But that pizza dinner isn't going to happen, not this side of heaven. My heart aches for them.

    For us. For a world that isn't going to know the amazing 5 year old and 6 year old and 13 year old and 21 year old and 90 year old that Eli would have been if he had lived past 4. Please pray for everyone who loved Eli, especially his dad, mom, and brother. They'll be heading back to Florida soon, without their fighter boy. I texted Lisa this C.

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    I usually end posts with some conclusion or hope or challenge. But today, I have nothing but eyes that are cried out and a heart that hurts from all the hurting Let this be the challenge I offer and accept today:. Be careful if you ask, "How are you? With the hot mess of emotions I have going on, you're not going to get the simple, "I'm fine," and keep on walking sort of answer.

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    We got word yesterday that "Sam" will have a family coming for him soon, but it's not going to be us. I'm sad, but it's a contented sort of sadness. The family who has accepted his referral is a wonderful one. We've already been in touch, and we'll continue to be so that Zoe will know her brother and her brother will know her. We'll be able to see him grow up, albeit through pictures and stories from his actual parents. We trusted God. We placed this in his hands.

    We prayed, hard. We asked him to choose what was best. Meanwhile, another couple trusted God. They received a referral. They prayed, hard. They knew our love for this child, but they felt certain of their "yes" to both God and the child we called Sam. Even though we didn't know he would be available for international adoption until months later, we've known about "Sam" since the week we was born. It's becoming clear that our role in his life was to pray for him daily until his parents knew about him and could begin to do so. They look forward to being able to tell him that he has been deeply loved, every single day of his life.

    I'm glad we could be part of that. When we announced the plans for this adoption , we ended the blog post with these words:.


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    And we're still looking forward to what's in store, even though it's different from what we wanted. In case you need a summary or refresher, I'll share the gist of each:.

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    That's because Isaac was meant to be the offering. I can't imagine Abraham's three day hike with his son and two servants, knowing what was to be asked of him at the end point. Then he and Isaac leave the servants behind as they go to the altar. Abraham lays the wood upon the altar, binds his son on top of it, and just before the sacrifice, God puts a stop to it.

    A ram is provided. Abraham gets to lift Isaac off the altar again.

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    In 1 Kings 3, two women are sleeping in a house with their newborns when one baby dies. The mother of the dead child switches the children, placing her dead baby in the sleeping mother's arms while taking the live baby back to bed as her own. The sleeping mother awakes and begins to mourn but then realizes the dead child isn't hers. The two women end up in Solomon's court, both demanding that the living child is hers. Given that DNA testing isn't a thing yet, Solomon has to judge which mother should raise the child.

    His solution? Cut the child in half and give part to each mother. One mother agrees to that plan, even though the baby will die, and the other offers to give the child away to prevent any harm. Solomon rightly determines that the mother is the one who was willing to give up the child rather than allow him to die. A real mother is one who seeks the best for her child, no matter what heartache it might bring to her. God has asked us to lay our adoption of "Sam" on altar before him.

    The beautiful difference, of course, is that no harm will come to Zoe's brother.